I remember it as clear as daylight: I walked into the movie theatre - you know, when those were a thing people went to - with my sister as we sat near the front rows to watch Michael Green's Murder on the Orient Express (2017) based off of the 1934 novel of the same name by Agatha Christie. I was in awe of the costumes, its elegance a stark contrast to the characters' more "feral" acts; the dialogue, one wit after another; and perhaps most of all, the "whodunnit" element that remains eponymous to all classic mystery storytelling. After leaving the movie theatre, I became sort of obsessed with this genre. I realized that I always had a knack for mystery, starting with my childhood filled with watching my sister play low quality detective games where they task you to find objects in a room within a certain amount of time. I had not known about Agatha Christie, unfortunately, up until that moment, and from then on I became fascinated with her works and her as a person. But, perhaps I will write more about her another time.
Nowadays, amidst the chaos and stress that is the pandemic, I have gotten into the habit of listening to podcasts during my downtime. I listen to them during drives, while I go to bed, or while I mechanically put on my makeup for rehearsals. It has become second nature to me to click on the "Podcasts" tab on my Spotify, only occasionally listening to music when I am in a certain mood. I came across "Criminal" hosted by Phoebe Judge, where she examines and interviews those who "have done wrong, been wronged, or gotten caught somewhere in the middle" (taken from the Criminal's website). Ironically, I couldn't stand Judge's rather airy voice, but gradually, it has become my comfort zone. To hear her describe the events regarding the episode's topic, ask uncomfortable and personal questions while still respecting the interviewee's agency and privacy, and now I anticipate her tagline, "I'm Phoebe Judge, and this is Criminal" in each episode, almost like a chant. So, why choose the gore? Who would willingly sit through the detailed descriptions of mutilations, violence, wicked villains or sick serial killers? (Granted, some episodes are less or not at all violent). Having gotten to Episode 36 of Criminal within the span of a week, I suddenly take the time to ask myself what it is that draws me or others to what is obviously traumatic and intense for many others. At first, I blamed it on my "maturity" which is often synonymous with boring or stiff, particularly in the college setting. Maybe something about being more "serious" in opposition to my more lax and cheery peers equated to my sense of being interested in mystery and thus, enabled me to withstand and find interest in American crime podcasts. However, I know that itself was not enough to explain what attracts me to this genre because virtually anyone can express interest without having a certain "personality" attributed to them. So, then what was it? Perhaps it was the idea of going on an adventure with the ethereal voice who seeks to uncover the subtext for America's crimes. It is similar to that feeling of stepping into a movie theatre to watch an Agatha Christie film, thinking that you immediately know who the culprit is, and having to wait to find out at the end. Except, Judge does the exact opposite: revealing those involved, victim and perpetrator, and asking the question we are all thinking--why? Or maybe we feel like a bystander to these stories. Each detail after another gets us hooked into an endless spiral of wanting to know more, but we are paralyzed in the reality that this could have been any of us. While that itself is hard to fathom, Americans, especially cis, white, male-presenting Americans, are undoubtedly privileged to feel "safe": that despite most of these events happening in the past or happening in neighborhoods we only have preconceived notions of, they all happen in America and could happen right next door. This is not meant to scare you, but as an opportunity to reflect on our ability to not live in fear or to have the confidence to say: "this would never happen to me". I thought my family lived in a pretty decent neighborhood, that is, until my family spent two years in a row being robbed around Christmas time and never finding justice from those criminals. I cannot call myself a "true crime junkie" just yet, as Criminal remains the current and only podcast I listen to of that genre, but I have watched enough shows and films to know what I would be searching for during a Netflix binge. But even after writing this post, what has changed about me? Am I to watch my back more often than I do already? Must I interrogate every single one of my relationships and see if they have ulterior motives? Goodness, no. But many people do not have that option. And oftentimes, those are the stories we end up hearing in podcasts. They become memories of tragedies that happened once upon a time. Times are changing. Our generation of youth has the power to protect one another from the atrocities that happen at every level of the horror scale. And when all that is done and you are looking for some way to relax, perhaps kick back and tune into Phoebe Judge's Criminal. I'm Kimberly Le, and this is Why I Choose Mystery.
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January 2024
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