If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness do not be afraid. There is hope, solutions, and help for you. Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255 NAMI (for long-term solutions): 800-950-NAMI (6264) “Wow! You are able to deal with things so much better. The old Meghan could have never dealt with this like you are now!” The last few years have not been easy for me. I’ve moved from Michigan to Indiana to Washington DC to Colorado and then from Colorado to Seattle. I’ve dealt with racism, difficult and traumatizing work environments, job insecurity, an international pandemic, and my husband’s serious illness, and yet, I’ve dealt with all of these things better than I did the mundane things of life a few years ago. For me, the regular comments from my family are kind, yet, it is a little bit like saying, “Wow, after chemotherapy you’re a lot better able to deal with that cancer.” It is National Mental Health Awareness Month and during an international pandemic with staggering rates of depression, anxiety, and addiction, there may not be a better time to talk about mental health. I have suffered from a concoction of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder since childhood. I don’t really want to go into any specifics about what this series of disorders did to my mind, body, and overall health. A few years ago, after medication, therapy, changes in diet and exercise, and other attempts at feeling better, I underwent nine rounds of ECT or electroconvulsive therapy. It came after a time in which I had given up, I thought there were no more options remaining for me, that I would have to live with this constant pain for the rest of my life. ECT is basically a series of minor surgeries where a patient is put under anesthesia and doctors use electric shock to introduce a controlled seizure which can cause changes in the brain chemistry. It can be a bit painful, inducing strong headaches, lethargy, and an overall forgetfulness for the first few months. I don’t remember anything that happened the summer I got ECT no matter how hard I try. ECT isn’t the right choice for everyone with major depression, but for me, it was life-changing. It became clear to me that this is how “normal” people feel all of the time. My whole life I had been struggling to be okay, and suddenly I was okay. I had so many mental tricks and exercises that I did to keep myself high-functioning. After ECT, it was like I didn’t have to continuously work hard at my depression, my OCD, my anxiety. My mind could relax into happiness as opposed to constantly focusing and putting effort into feeling happy. So many times, we blame the person suffering from mental health for their problems. In my own family, we didn't talk about mental health and when we did, it was steeped in judgement. When I got treatment and started opening up about my journey I realized how common it was in our family, and how not sharing had led to a system where we were all battling the same monster on our own, afraid of retribution. It was also clear how absolutely genetic our problems were. After ECT treatment, my father gave me repeated warnings not to tell my friends or anyone at work that I had a mental illness. This wasn’t out of shame for my condition, but out of the genuine desire to make my life easier, and avoid any potential discrimination. However, I know what hiding can do, so even in this small way, on this blog post I just want to say that you are not alone. Trust me. Even if you feel like you have tried everything, if you’ve exhausted the list of medications, therapies, diet changes, exercise regimens, support groups, and books, there are always more solutions. I had given up, thinking that my mental health was something I would battle every day for the rest of my life. Yet, once I found what worked for me, my whole life changed and I was able to live my life without its weight. Despite my father’s advice I did tell my friends and some coworkers about my struggle, particularly why I wasn’t responding to their texts and phone calls the entire summer I received ECT treatment. Their reactions were mixed. Some were supportive, asking me if I was okay and if there was anything they could do to help. Others displayed an uncomfortable desire to change the topic or had questions that were judgemental and a bit invasive. For them, it felt like as soon as I mentioned the word “hospital” in conjunction with mental illness, that was when I became too crazy for them. These people have shown me how important it is to not remain silent, to share about mental health, and to acknowledge the damage that not treating this like any other medical chronic condition can do. As a result of being outspoken, however, I’ve also gotten three other people ECT access and this makes all of the sharing worth it! I know what it is like to live in darkness with no hope of escape. I know what it is like to eat for years and never feel hungry. I know what it is like to feel like you have to lift a weight just to get up off the couch. However, I also know what it is like to feel the first rays of sun after years of darkness. I know what it is like to eat your first meal and feel hungry. I know what it is like to not have to fake a smile again. You are not alone. You will not feel this way forever. Even if you think you have tried everything, there is always hope. In honor of mental health month awareness month, I want to share some of the books that have helped me in my journey. I hope they bring you some comfort and make you feel less alone. EVERY DAY: When I told my friend about ECT, at first she didn’t understand. She looked at me perplexed and didn’t say much. When I came back to school she told me that she had read Every Day by David Levithan over the summer and really helped her understand what I was going through. This book tells the story of a soul that is born into a different person’s body every day. One of the bodies that the soul inhabits is someone experiencing a major depression. I read the book after her and felt that it shows the medical side of depression in a real way. I AM NOT YOUR PERFECT MEXICAN DAUGHTER: This novel by Erika L. Sánchez is phenomenal. I didn’t pick up this book looking for a “mental health book.” In general, I was looking to widen my Mexican YA selection in my classroom. After losing her sister Olga, Julia tries to move on with life, but is crippled by what she calls “the darkness.” She not only has to deal with her own pain, but the difficulties of poverty, her sister’s secrets, and the mental health of her two parents. This book is relatable and really describes mental health accurately. COUNTING BY SEVENS: This novel by Holly Goldberg Sloan tells the story of Willow Chance as she starts a new life after losing both of her parents. She has a unique mind and with OCD counts by sevens to calm herself down. This accurately portrays what it is like to live with OCD and depression. I didn’t love reading this book at the time, it is not a page turner that you can’t put down; however, it stuck with me years after finishing the final page. Its messages are important and really make the reader think about what is really important in their lives. EDUCATED: This autobiographical novel by Tara Westover really dives deep into the world of Bipolar disorder. Tara grows up “uneducated” receiving no formal schooling. Her parents are strict Mormons (so strict they think that the Mormon Church as an institution is corrupted) and her father suffers from untreated bipolar disorder and believes the end of times is coming. Slowly Tara understands the abuse that she has been suffering from and breaks free. Eventually she becomes an author and attends school at Harvard, Oxford, and BU. Though I did not suffer the horrors that Tara did, I do understand what it is like to grow up in a very strict Christian family and to feel like you don’t know the “common knowledge” shared by everyone else. I also know what it is like to try and convince those close to you that mental health is real and serious and be dismissed. TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN: This novel by John Green, really talks about OCD in a realistic and human way. While the story starts to be about a mystery of the missing billionare, it turns into a battle between Aza and her mental health. I love all of John Green’s books for their ability to authentically engage with mental health issues. When I was at my sickest, his YA books helped get me through.
1 Comment
4/18/2023 08:18:51 pm
I appreciate you mentioning that ECT is essentially a series of tiny procedures in which a patient is given anesthesia and a controlled seizure is induced with an electric shock that may alter the chemistry of the brain. My friend is depressed and working to overcome her drug addiction. I'll advise her to seek drug-free treatment for her depression.
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